Getting more of the story

In my previous post I said:

“Then, I wanted to try and repair things with my adopted parents (a whole other post to explain this).”

This is the way that I understand what happened (though I’m sure my adoptive mother has another perspective).

First, my son was born at the end of May in 2003.  During the pregnancy (I would say probably around month five, with another request for a decision months six and seven) I gave my mother the option of when she wanted to come visit after the birth.  She couldn’t commit – not at all shocking, if you know my mother.  Since no decision was made on her part, I told her that I had to make the decision for her.  My husband’s parents wanted to come and visit and since they live overseas needed to make travel arrangements.  Since she was not capable of making a decision, I decided that my parents would come and visit about a month after the birth.  This was because my in-laws were planning on arriving a few days after the birth and staying for about three weeks to help-out.

My mother seemed upset that I was allowing my in-laws to visit first, but I didn’t care since she had already had her chance to let me know when she wanted to come and didn’t tell me.

While the in-laws were around, my mother got upset that I wasn’t calling her.  Let’s forget the fact that I was completely exhausted and found no time to shower, let alone pick-up a phone (sometimes it’s just all about her).  She thought I was having so much fun with my in-laws I wanted to forget about her (I guess since she has never actually given birth she wouldn’t know what the recovery was like).

Anyway, once the in-laws left I began asking my parents when they were going to make the three hour journey (by car) to visit.  Again, no commitment made.  Finally, about five weeks after the birth my mother asks if I could drive down to see them instead!  She says the reason for this is because we didn’t have air conditioning and it would be too hot for her.  Ok, I might be able to understand that.  I agree to make the journey, but under one condition.  It would have to be for a weekend visit only so my husband could do the driving and since he works during the week, we couldn’t stay any longer than that.  She got upset at that idea.  Why couldn’t I drive down by myself and stay the whole week (keep in mind that I had to return to work the next week myself)! 

WTF! 

She wanted me to drive:

A – Three hours

B – By myself

C – With a potentially screaming infant

D – Who was having trouble nursing

E – On less than three hours sleep!

Is she insane! 

I refused.  She got mad.  Remember, it’s all about her sometimes.

Either the next day, or the one after, I received a package.  It was curtains from my mother.  I guess I had mentioned to her in an earlier conversation that we had so much going on and still hadn’t gotten window coverings for the many windows of the house we had moved into two weeks before my son was born.  Who knew she would take it upon herself to buy some!

I called her to find out why she had sent them.  She said she was only trying to help – did I like them?  Honestly, no.  And I told her that.  That just made her angrier.  She’s goes on to insist that I send them back immediately.  She said she couldn’t believe how ungrateful I was being!  My reply was – I’m sorry, I’ve just given birth, I’m not sleeping, the baby’s not sleeping or eating – what did she want from me.  I had finally gotten the baby to sleep and I think I said her acting like this was ruining my day.

Her response was that we (my husband and I) had ruined her entire summer – the year before (again, a whole other post to explain this one)!

I hung up because I couldn’t handle her bringing up something that I had thought had been resolved already.  She called back and left a message.  To paraphrase, the message went something like this:

I don’t think I can do this anymore.  You are no longer my daughter.  I don’t want to talk to you ever again.  I hope you’re happy (click).

Again, WTF! My husband called my father later that night to find out what the hell happened.  A heated discussion ensued.  My husband blurts out that he thinks my mother should see a therapist.  Discussion ends.

Not sure of what I’ve done to deserve treatment like this, I try and apologize by sending flowers a few weeks later.  The flowers were refused.

That’s it.  This all happened at the end of June 2003.  No other contact with them until March of 2004 (also initiated by me to try and patch things up).  Reconciliation was slow going, but they finally came for a visit in June of 2004 – more than a year after my son was born!  What kind of grandparents do that!

It just boggles my mind.  However, this is why when I received the information about my birthmothers contact information in July of 2003 I felt like I wasn’t in a good place to make the contact. Now I realize I did the wrong thing.  I guess I always do the wrong thing. 

Oh well.

That’s all for now!

What to do?

Ok, so three weeks ago I sent a letter to my birthmother to the address that I had from four years ago – hoping that she still lived there.

I haven’t heard from her yet.

Four years ago, I received a letter from an agency in Kansas (the state I was born in) saying that they had been trying to contact me and would I please call.  I called.  Even before I called, I had an idea of what it was about.  At the time I had no desire or inclination to look for my birthmother since I was having problems with the one who adopted me, so I had no idea what to do.  The agency in Kansas told me that my birthmother had been looking for me and they had a message from her – did I want it?  Not knowing what to do, I said I would like to see it, but wasn’t sure if I wanted to do anything with it at the time.  The person from the agency said that was fine, but they had an obligation to her to let her know that I had received the message and that I had been located. 

So four years went by.  I always had the information in the back of my head, and knew that not doing anything was probably not the best thing – but that’s the way it is.  First, my son was a newborn.  Then, I wanted to try and repair things with my adopted parents (a whole other post to explain this).  Just getting them to talk to me again took over a year!  A few months later, I lost my job and had to take the crummiest one ever that took more than 14 hours out of my day – so, out of exhaustion I did nothing.  Then, after six months at the crummy job, we moved half-way across the country – too stressful, so again I did nothing.  At that time, two years had gone by.  I finally had a decent job.  But TWO YEARS have gone by.  I decide too much time had gone by and I do nothing.  I have no excuse for doing nothing for the last two years.  I realize now that I’m a horrible person.  After letting all that time go by, I just didn’t know what to say – afterall I wasn’t even looking for her at the time that I got all of the information any adoptee could ever want (name, address, phone number…I even have three half sisters!)

So now, I’ve written a letter.  I sent it three weeks ago.  I haven’t heard anything.  I think she’s punishing me for not getting in touch sooner.  I know that’s what I would have done in reaction to a letter four years after the fact. 

My husband thinks she may not have gotten the letter since it has been four years – who knows, she may have moved.  But, I think that since the letter hasn’t been returned yet, then she probably did get it.  My husband counters that with – unless the P.O. lost it; unless the new resident of the address didn’t forward it; unless…. 

My husband wants me to do something else to try and contact her.  I know the address of the business she owns (or at least I think I do).  He thinks I should contact her there.  My feeling is, if she wanted contact now, then she would respond to the letter.  Since I took so long getting in touch with her she probably decided I wasn’t worth the agony and moved on with her life.

I’m here trying to figure out what to do.  For now, I guess I’ll do nothing since that seems to be what I’m good at.  Unless…you have a better idea!

That’s all for now!