It’s not that I have nothing to say, I’ve got tons.  It’s just that I don’t know how to say it.  So, here’s my attempt.

In an earlier post I had mentioned that I was hit with a few tidbits of information that I wasn’t expecting when I met my half-sisters.  I didn’t go any further into this for a variety of reasons.  These reasons ranged from not really knowing what my feelings on the matter were to needing to keep it a secret.

So, the information I was given?  One of my half-sisters has given birth to four children in total.  The first one died shortly after birth – this I knew before meeting her.  The second one she is currently parenting – I also knew this before meeting her.  The third one was placed in another family for adoption – again, I knew this before meeting her, though I was not really happy about it.  The fourth one (I think he was born a little over three years ago) was also placed in another family for adoption – this is what I did not know before meeting her.

Neither did our mother

Hence the reason for needing to keep it a secret.

I have since been able to work out my feelings on the matter – I think.

Also, I no longer need to keep it a secret.  My half-sister told our mother just about a month ago – right before Christmas.

I’m guessing she was pretty upset when she was told.  She told me that she was angry with her other daughter for telling me and asking me not to tell anyone else.  But, then she went on to get really angry at my half-sisters husband (the father of all of these children). 

You see, he doesn’t work.  He has a debilitating disease that I’m guessing my nmother doesn’t really understand.  She’s angry at him for getting her daughter pregnant without taking responsibility afterwards.

I can see where she’s coming from, but then again, I kind of feel like she’s being a huge hypocrite.

This is how I responded to her, which I’m now beginning to think was a little too harsh:

I realize you said that you’re upset with yourself for letting M think that adoption was a good option, but what you wrote about your feelings surrounding her actions leave me a little upset too.  You said this about J (M’s husband): “what is his fucking problem?  Don’t most men understand that once you get your thing wet and start making babies, you are supposed to do everything you can to figure out a way to support them?”

I’m sorry if what I’m about to say upsets you, but this is how I felt when I read what you wrote.  To me, your statement seems hypocritical and very much like a double standard.  You know, it goes both ways – it’s just not the man’s responsibility.  Weren’t you in the same situation?  Didn’t you do the same thing?  Shouldn’t you have done everything possible to make sure that you and W (My nfather) supported me?  (On an aside, I’m not sure if I have the whole story from you surrounding that time, but from what T (one of my half-sisters from my nfather) has told me, someone’s got the story wrong.)  I guess the part of your statements that upset me is that it seems like you are putting most of the blame on J for not being able to support his family when you didn’t do all that you could to support your child when it happened to you.  Just like you thought you were the best that you could for me, I’m confident that M feels the same way about the two children she has given up for adoption.

Let’s get this straight, I don’t support what M & J did at all, but the reason I think I was too harsh is because I emailed this to my nmother over two weeks ago and haven’t heard from her since.  I emailed M at the same time, and I also haven’t heard from her either.  I don’t want to smooth over what I said, but I’d like to hear from them.  What should I do?